Wednesday, April 2, 2014

My 5 stages of Loss and Grief


because death is not the only reason why you grieve...

Several years ago, I was a wide eyed wanderer. I feel that I can conquer the world. I have everything, I can do everything. Everything was handed to me in a silver platter. Then everything came spiraled downwards.

1. Denial and Isolation

I prayed to God to bring back everything, the way it was before. I alienated myself from my friends. I cut off every connection I have from my former life. Whenever I see them or meet them at the mall, I would distance myself or change my course. I was bitter and ashamed. The high and mighty came crashing down.

They would smile at me but I would imagine them smirking. Whenever they try to reach out, I would avoid them. At the back of my mind I feel they are condescending and patronizing.

2. Anger

After a few months, I felt I had enough.

I was angry and hurt. I became bitter, disillusioned. I hated everything. I hated everyone. I hate the circumstance that led me into this.

3. Bargaining

I prayed to God like I have never prayed before. I went to different churches, attended different religions, participated  in different religious events with hopes that it will somehow magically revert everything back to 'normal', the way it was before.

I pleaded, I cried, I beg, I bribed God. I would pray the moment I wake up and before I go to bed. Sometimes, I would even go to sleep praying to the point that I don't know what to pray anymore.

4. Depression 

I sank into despair. Outwardly I mingle, I laugh. I hang out with my new friends and those friends I deemed who gained my confidence.

I erased all contacts in my phone book and retained only those I feel necessary. Life went on as usual. But everything felt surreal. My heart is hollow and I live merely to exist. Any second, I could fade from reality.

5. Acceptance 

It's been 12 years since we lost everything. We lost our business, we lost our house, we lost our standing in the community.

God still did not grant me my wish, my greatest desire to bring everything the way it was before. To turn everything back to normal. The normal I grew up with.

He did not give me what I want, but he lavishly provided me with what I need.

God gave me wisdom that comes through experience.  God gave me friends who kept me in check. I could have rebelled, I could have strayed, but they were always there for me, providing support in times of need.

After 12 long years, I was content. I slowly opened up my heart. I forgave the world. I reached out to people I previously avoided. The people I blocked.

The response is overwhelming.

They have been trying to search for me. I told them what happened. My childhood friends apologized. She said "We should have been there when you needed us the most"

What they don't know is, that is a conscious decision. My bitterness with the world engulfed me in a world of misery that I don't want to see people happy. People who have more than me. People who still lead the same life.

Looking back, I realize what a useless ingrate I was. I should have been happy with what I have. We never went hungry, we never slept on the street, we did not have to resort to illegal activities.

We need to understand that:



But 
 Because



For

And

Though



Just remember:

Cause

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

A not so secret affinity

She leapt fast and high like the speed of light, but he knows that she is already beyond her limit as blood trickled down her face. She is really stubborn and have not yet fully recovered from the fever she got from the akuma virus. They were ambushed on their way back to the headquarters after rescuing Lavi and Bookman. He knew that the earl would not take everything lightly and already anticipated that this will happen but he did not counted being separated from his team while Lenalee’s fever progressing. He’d better finish everything so that he can take her to a doctor or better yet get to the nearest ark gate so that he can bring her home. He sliced two level ones and focused to take on more.

Stand back” he told her “you are not fit to fight, let me handle everything”. He can see the determination in her eyes. She wants to fight and not be a burden to him but he can see that she is already wavering and barely conscious. Belatedly, he then realized that what keeps her moving is not her strength but her innocence. Like Allen, she is using her innocence to keep on fighting but unlike him she doesn’t have the ability to regenerate. She kicked an akuma on her right and smiled. “I’m okay”.

That’s when he saw the blade pierced her.

Everything happened in slow motion. She dropped down to the ground whispering ‘Nii-san’. With renewed determination he completed the task. He didn’t know how many akumas he had tackled, or how he was able to completely eradicate the whole horde. Adrenalin pushed him to complete the task in front of him.
He turned and scooped her up.

“Kanda” she whispered.

“You will be okay” he said gently and looked down at her. When he lost Alma, he thought he lost everything. He didn’t mean to come back to the Order he loathed so much. But somehow, something is pulling him back. At first he thought that it was his gratitude to the beansprout who sacrificed his freedom so that he and Alma can escape. Most definitely not the lunatic Froi Teidoll who cared for him like his own son or Noise Marie who was a close confidant.

Not them but her.

The girl who welcomed him when he first arrived at the Black Order Headquarters. This girl who always goes to his room for refuge whenever she was being subjected to the harsh experiments overseen by Lvellier. This girl whose smile and cheerful greeting welcomes him whenever he comes back from a mission, no matter how badly that mission went. And he was about to lose her now just as he lost Alma. He will not let this happen. Not this time. Not when he planned to make a brand new start in life – with her.

'Hang in there' he thought but the village is still far. He took his coat off and laid her gently on top.
It worked with Marie and Johnny, dammit, this should work on you. He unsheathed his Mugen and sliced his wrist to let the blood drop down to her mouth. He cannot explain it but he is happy that there is now a stronger bond linking the two of them. His blood, that is now going to flow into her. A sudden surge of possession overwhelmed him. Slowly, he leaned down and gave her a chaste kiss on the forehead.

-------

“I know she was badly injured” Malcolm Lvellier was leaning down on Lenalee’s bed surrounded by her overly concerned brother and all her friends. “What I don’t understand is how her injuries healed in two days time with no visible scars or bruises”


“Che” Kanda who was leaning on the wall beside Lenalee’s bed grunted. “Since it seemed that she is okay, we will bring her to the laboratory to see if her innocence evolved again to give her the ability to regenerate” Lvellier continued.

A dangerous glint flickered on Kanda’s eye as he unsheathed his Mugen. “You are not taking her anywhere” he said ominously.

He felt Lenalee’s hand crept up to his. Her eyes filled with panic and her hand cold and limp. He will ensure murder will happen before this devil makes the mistake of laying his hands on Lenalee. She had suffered enough atrocity from this man and it’s about time this stops. Lavi and Allen jumped in pacifying what they are sure is going to result into a brawl.

She will most certainly stay here” the head nurse thundered dangerously turning into a monster with horns. “She is still weak and that is more than enough to keep her in this infirmary.”

Komui and Reever talked to Lvellier about the plans of expanding the science division to divert his attention and people slowly emptied the room.

“General Kanda” the nurse said “you better take a rest too since you are not in a good shape yourself.”

“Che” he replied and sat down on the chair beside Lenalee’s bed.

A smile formed on General Tiedoll’s lips. “If you’re not going to rest in the infirmary, Yu, better go to your room to relax so that let Lenalee can go to sleep”

“I will stay here to make sure that Lvellier will not take her out and perform his inhuman experiment” 

“Now I don’t think you will have to worry about it, Komui and the others will make sure that will not happen, after all, this is her home”  Froi Teidoll replied while walking out of the door.

“Can I go to my room?” Lenalee asked the head nurse “I am okay so there’s no need to inconvenience everybody.”


To their surprise, the head nurse agreed. Lenalee stood up and slowly, she and Kanda walked towards her room. He went inside with ease unknown to people inside the headquarters. He made a beeline to an intricate box on her dresser and smiled. The box was from one of his early missions. It was before Komui joined the order. Lvellier was forcing an 8 year old Lenalee to synchronize with the dark boots and it always leaves her weak and injured, up to the point that they have to restrain her to her bed. One day, he found her hiding in the meditation room crying in a corner. He never gave her a thought before but he knew that they were giving her a hard time. He can clearly see that on the bruises on her arms, legs and neck. They have been searching for her everywhere and at last they have located her. They dragged her out but she managed to wrestle herself free. Even then, he can see that she is very strong. She jumped behind his back to seek refuge. The CROW are now using incantations to bind her and she was crying out loud. He never intended to, but pity drove him to reach out to her, after all, he experienced all of this atrocity himself “Just go with them I’ll bring you a surprise once I got back from the mission.”


He opened the box and saw all the hair clips he had given her throughout the years. He picked a red clip. He got it in Czechoslovakia after their mission in that weird revolving mansion. “I lost my clip during the last fight” he stated as an explanation while taking it out of the box.

Lenalee took the clip from his hand “Not this one” she said “You gave this to me.” She selected another one from the box and gave it to him “How about this one?” she handed him a blue clip. “Need some help putting it on?”


“Che. I can manage” Kanda retorted, pocketing the clip. “Go to sleep” He waited until she climbed into her bed while he sat on the floor beside it. She reached out her hand and he took it. Slowly, she closed her eyes. In all the years before her brother joined the Order, the only thing that holds her sanity together was Kanda. After every test or experiment performed, she will be left feeling used, abused and overcome with a sense of pity and retaliation. She can never sleep at night before, feeling that once she wakes up, she will find herself inside the laboratory again.


He would go to her and hold her hand while she sleeps. Once in a while she will have nightmares and wakes up screaming but he is always there to reassure her. If he is on a mission, he tells her to hold on to the box so that once he is back; he can bring her a clip. She closed her eyes. On the back of her mind, she knows that when she wakes up in the morning, Kanda will have left her room and is already in the cafeteria eating breakfast, training, meditating or off to another mission. There was never a trace of their affinity, people never noticed this closeness, their bond which might as well be good since her brother has a sister complex. Slowly, she drifted off to sleep.

-------

He knew she was there even before she knocked. Even before she spoke. His senses were so attuned to her that he knew her every move. He looked at the clock beside his bed, it registered 12:50am. He sat on the edge of his bed and waited. The figure in his doorway hesitated and he held his breath. He waited for her to knock or call out but she didn’t, instead he saw the shadow leaving. In a swift instant he was out of the door and pulled her close towards him enveloping her in a warm embrace.

“I don’t want to bother you” she whispered, her voice muffled on his chest.

He led her to his room.“You know you will never be that” he answered closing the door behind them “You can just come in, you know.” He led the way to the bed and let her climbed in first, then pulling her close to him, he gave her a kiss on the lips then drew the sheet to cover them both.


-------

Komui was freaking out when he saw the clip on Kanda’s hair. It was the clip that he gave Lenalee on her 14th birthday. Kanda gave him a cold glare as he is finishing his soba while the science division was restraining a wailing Komui.


“Where did you get that! I gave that to my darling sister Lenalee! How come you have it!” came his barrage of questions.

“Che” he replied and stood up. Komui II materialized out from nowhere and started firing at the cafeteria. Lenalee arrived visibly rested and yawned “Cut it out brother, it’s just a clip”

“But- but- but, I gave it to you!” he wailed. His Kumui II robot is announcing: Mission Exterminate Kanda Yu! Mission Exterminate Kanda Yu! Kumui focused his attack on Kanda laughing maniacally while most people evacuated the cafeteria. Lavi and Allen crawled down the table while still holding on to their food, settling nicely like they were about to watch a show. A vein sticked out of Lenalee’s head “I SAID CUT IT OUT” she screamed.


Suddenly Komui II fell to the ground in pieces. Kanda had evidently slashed it.

“It was pissing me off already” he said to Lenalee, as he replacing his mugen and gave her a smile. The few people and exorcist left on the cafeteria look at him in awe. She reached out and gave him a kiss on his cheek and Komui fainted. “I couldn’t have done it any better” she whispered while he smirked.

Friday, July 27, 2012

A fairy tale princess







I never in my life coveted another girls looks, success or luck. But Bhutan's Queen: Jetsun Pema is something to be desired. Like a storybook princess, her story unravels to something that you would not dream will happen in real life.



















According to Bhutan Today, it started during a picnic.Seven-year-old Jetsun Pema hung on to 17-year-old Prince Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck and asked him to take her away. When asked why, she said, “Because I like you.” The Prince got down on his knees and said, “Cheychey, when you grow up, if I am single and not married and if you are single and not married, I would like you to be my wife provided we still feel the same.”




Fourteen years later, their feelings did not change and they got married and they live happily ever after (at least that's how I would like their fairy tale love story to end).





















* Photos courtesy of bhutanro.com, writersofbhutan.com and royaldish.com

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Quotable Quotes

Here are some of my favorite and inspiring quotes in life. Some of them I read in a book and some of them I got from watching TV series and movies.


Patigilin niyo ang mundo; Gusto ko ng bumaba! - Carl Wheezer (Jimmy Neutron)


Success without Honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger but it wont taste good... - so true

There once was a little girl who never knew love until a boy broke her HEART - from Megan
Fox's tattoo

A blunt pencil is better than a sharp mind - from my newspaper adviser way back in high school


There are hundreds of thousands of languages in the world but a smile speaks them all - cute



The key to surviving a surgical internship is denial. We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces. - Grey's Anatomy


I can't think of a single reason why I should be a surgeon, but I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit. They make it hard on purpose... there are lives in our hands. There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit but here's the thing, I love the playing field. -
Dr. Meredith Grey
(Grey's Anatomy)


Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Recycle for a green Earth

Eversince I became a vegetarian by force (my husband is the real vegetarian and he is the appointed cook and since I dont know how know how to cook... you know the rest of the story) I became aware of my sorroundings. About going back to nature. Loving Mother Earth.

Here are the tested and proved back to nature recycling tips:
courtesy of chloenixon of bright
hub.com

Egg conditioner

Ingredients

1. 1 teaspoon baby oil

2. 1 egg yolk

3. 1 cup water

Directions: Beat yolk in a bowl until its frothy, then add oil while beating. Add to water, then pour on your scalp. Leave on for five to ten minutes then rinse well.
Hair Spray

Ingredients

1. 1 orange chopped

2. 2 cups of water

Directions: Boil chopped orange in the water until half of the water has evaporated. Then let it cool. Once cooled, pour into a spray bottle and store. It will store for two weeks outside a refrigerator.

Hair Gel

Ingredients

1. 1/2 teaspoon to 1 teaspoon of unflavored gelatin

2. 1 cup of warm water

Directions: Mix together, then store in a jar. Use on hair when needed.

Fancy Guest Soap

courtesy of green lasagna of brighthub.com

Turn Leftover Soap Pieces Into a New Bar

If you just want to turn our leftover soap pieces into a bar, you will need is a plastic travel soap holder with a top. Save your soap pieces in this until it is as full as it can get. Fill with warm water and let sit overnight or for as long as it takes for the soap to become a soft, gooey mess.Stir this mixture well, and you now have your soap base. From here, you can let your melted soap pieces dry out in the soap holder by leaving the top open and waiting for the water to evaporate, or you can get creative.Getting Creative with Leftover Soap PiecesLet's say you want to get creative. Pull out your essential or scented oils and your food colorings. The oils can be purchased very cheaply at dollar stores or discount drug stores.Add about 10 drops of essential or scented oil to your soap base, and stir until well mixed. This may seem like a lot of scent, but some of it will evaporate in the drying process.Decide what color you want your soap to be. Regular food coloring will work fine to make lighter colors, but for darker colors, you may need to use professional icing and food color paste from the craft store. With just a couple of dips of a toothpick, you can get a lovely, darker color than with regular food coloring.

NOTE:Although these professional color pastes are non-toxic, they may cause the soap to run when used.If doing a swirl design, you will wait until the soap base is in the molds, then you simply drop a drop or two onto the soap base, and swirl with a toothpick or piece of large spaghetti until you get the desired effect.Once you have colored your leftover soap mixture, you can either leave it in the bar holder to dry, or pour it into tiny guest soap molds, which you can purchase at craft stores. These molds can look like candy molds, or can be hollow, two pieced molds with a hole in the top for pouring in the soap. Simply fill the mold with the recycled soap, let dry, and there you have some beautiful, scented guest soaps.Finishing Your Guest SoapsYour finished guest soaps may have pieces that need to be trimmed off. It's easy to do this with a very sharp knife or exacto knife. After trimming the edges, take a wet piece of lintless cloth and smooth the rough edges.If using a mold that makes the soap flat on one side, and you want it to be three dimensional, you can put them onto a wet rag for awhile, and when the flat sides are a little bit softened, simply press them together, and let dry.If you save leftover soap pieces for quite a while, making these scented guest soaps can be a neat project for Christmas or Birthday gifts that your children will love. So start saving your soap pieces and saving money today.


more to come so watch out!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Hay naku...

Just got back from the mall, Im supposed to go to a dinner with my team, but half of them cancelled at the last minute, so I followed suit... instead, I wiled my time going to the mall, window shopping, so that my time and effort in making paganda will not be sayang...I end up buying a christmas gift for my brother eventhough the holiday is still 3 months away...

Im really an impulsive buyer... When I see something real nice... I convince myself that my son, my brothers, my mom or my hubby would really appreciate it and in the end, I buy something totally unnecessary...

Hay nako, for the past couple of months, I've been trying to save money but just blew it up on something totally unnecessary... Have you ever done that?..

Friday, September 4, 2009

Those Street Kids

I was riding the jeepney earlier, it was sweltering hot in the afternoon. Our jeepney stopped on a red light and 2 kids climb in. One sat on the passenger area while the other one with the sack, full of scrap and trash hang outside the jeep...

The driver shouted where do you think you are going? They replied: To the junk shop, not far ahead. The driver shouted: scram...

No my maternal instincts are awaken, my hear goes to them. I can see that already, they are subject to the injustices, inequality, rejection and partiality of society and they are aware of it. I can see the shame and hurt in their eyes... And these kids are only 8-10 years old who is already earning a living for their family....

Also, I was going home early in the morning, a light rain fell, people where already running for shelter since these are the days of flu outbreak... This image, this memory will forever be etched on my heart...2 siblings, presumably, are sleeping on the streets... amidst the chaos, totally oblivious of the rain. The older one covered the smaller child with his oversized dirty shirt. It is cold but that's all they have amidst the cold weather...

I almost ran to them, but social norms prevented me. All I can do is look at them with pity...Where is the Goverment? Where is Dswd? I even ask Where is God?