My 5 stages of Loss and Grief

because death is not the only reason why you grieve...

Several years ago, I was a wide eyed wanderer. I feel that I can conquer the world. I have everything, I can do everything. Everything was handed to me in a silver platter. Then everything came spiraled downwards.

1. Denial and Isolation

I prayed to God to bring back everything, the way it was before. I alienated myself from my friends. I cut off every connection I have from my former life. Whenever I see them or meet them at the mall, I would distance myself or change my course. I was bitter and ashamed. The high and mighty came crashing down.

They would smile at me but I would imagine them smirking. Whenever they try to reach out, I would avoid them. At the back of my mind I feel they are condescending and patronizing.

2. Anger

After a few months, I felt I had enough.

I was angry and hurt. I became bitter, disillusioned. I hated everything. I hated everyone. I hate the circumstance that led me into this.

3. Bargaining

I prayed to God like I have never prayed before. I went to different churches, attended different religions, participated  in different religious events with hopes that it will somehow magically revert everything back to 'normal', the way it was before.

I pleaded, I cried, I beg, I bribed God. I would pray the moment I wake up and before I go to bed. Sometimes, I would even go to sleep praying to the point that I don't know what to pray anymore.

4. Depression 

I sank into despair. Outwardly I mingle, I laugh. I hang out with my new friends and those friends I deemed who gained my confidence.

I erased all contacts in my phone book and retained only those I feel necessary. Life went on as usual. But everything felt surreal. My heart is hollow and I live merely to exist. Any second, I could fade from reality.

5. Acceptance 

It's been 12 years since we lost everything. We lost our business, we lost our house, we lost our standing in the community.

God still did not grant me my wish, my greatest desire to bring everything the way it was before. To turn everything back to normal. The normal I grew up with.

He did not give me what I want, but he lavishly provided me with what I need.

God gave me wisdom that comes through experience.  God gave me friends who kept me in check. I could have rebelled, I could have strayed, but they were always there for me, providing support in times of need.

After 12 long years, I was content. I slowly opened up my heart. I forgave the world. I reached out to people I previously avoided. The people I blocked.

The response is overwhelming.

They have been trying to search for me. I told them what happened. My childhood friends apologized. She said "We should have been there when you needed us the most"

What they don't know is, that is a conscious decision. My bitterness with the world engulfed me in a world of misery that I don't want to see people happy. People who have more than me. People who still lead the same life.

Looking back, I realize what a useless ingrate I was. I should have been happy with what I have. We never went hungry, we never slept on the street, we did not have to resort to illegal activities.

We need to understand that:

But 

 Because

For

And

Though

Just remember:

Cause